So much has been changing in my life. (See previous post.) Life is a continual journey, learning and growing. There have been ups and downs, times when I was happy or sad, creative or stressed. Sometimes, there are distinct changes or phases, but these are not sudden, though they may appear so at first glance. Rather, those instances are moments of completion, culmination.
Part of this, of course, is the necessity of becoming one’s own person in adulthood. For me, it has been a significant, painful change of character. I struggle not to be ashamed of who I was. Shame has no place. I will not erase the evidence of my former notions and traits, as if they are crimes, or as if they are not burned more permanently into the minds of those who knew me then.
The fruits that I see blossoming in my life right now, their seeds and buds were evident in my past. I’ve just been learning to acknowledge and accept their existence, to embrace and nurture them. In past writings, I expressed desires to live joyfully, to love others, to learn to let go. Finally, these are realities. Once, I struggled to figure out how to let go of things, as if effort could ever accomplish what only surrender can. Now, it seems like it happens without my permission. I find myself letting go of the inconsequential or uwise things without realizing it. A small part of me wants to say, “hey, give it back! I didn’t want to let that go! I liked being dependent on it, letting it rule my mind and heart.” But the rest of me laughs at the absurdity. If I let go, then I won’t care. Sometimes, I don’t want to not care, silly human that I am.
Now that my being has awoken, now that living beautifully and truly is not pushed aside by game of life, I think that this blog, representative of myself, ought to be refreshed.
A constant of my nature is the ability, the compulsion, to see things from a different perspective, to discover truth hidden by the mundane “way things are,” to present a fresh, challenging view to others. The former name emphasized what I thought I should be then. I did challenge presuppositions, but from a very limited view. This mindset was not intentionally narrow, but merely reflected my experience thus far. I had lived in a bubble, which slowly widened…maybe it popped, I can’t even tell. I did present new ways of thinking, but I had no idea about tact or presentation. Communication is as important as content. I may have had ideas, but I was imperceptive and often obnoxious, honestly a bit of an asshole, in the way I went about spreading them.
After much time, suffering, contemplation, and finally rest, I believe that my lens has shifted. Learning and growing, my voice must now be quiet, secure in its own being, however limited in scope. Until I acknowledged how little I knew, no wisdom could grow. This week, something that has been slowly and beautifully evolving within my being has burst into life.
Several months ago, I recognized that the “about” section no longer accurately represented my character, so I deleted it. However, that time in life lacked energy and hours to renew this space. Perhaps, I even lacked the clarity, floating in a state of flux, making my way through the fog, location and destination a mystery, yet moving, determined to discover what lay footsteps ahead, clinging to a fragile hope. Now, the future is still shrouded in the mystery of time, but that only makes it more beautiful. And what I know is this: I am here. This is the Moment! I am awake and shall live, not one more breath wasted.