Month: October 2015

Unwanted. (enough)


This is the moment. The phrase that I repeat, to remind myself to be present

To fully experience the moment is a beautiful way of life. Such joy! To know that being alive is enough, and abundantly so. But everything has its counterpart, that which makes it whole. Joy and sorrow are inseparable, sometimes I forget. I cannot truly know one without the other. To embrace each moment is to take whatever it brings.

The moments when you are sure that you are invisible. When everyone is having fun, and you’re alone, wrapped in a blanket, knowing that no one is missing you or saying “I wonder where she is. Sure wish she was here; it’s just not the same without her.”

When your role in someone’s life is replaced by others. When everyone fits perfectly into pairs and groups, no one in need of you. So you lean in the corner and pretend to be busy with important work, or lost in thought about some great matter, or perhaps just tired and wanting to be left alone. Or worse–maybe you try to non-awkwardly join one of those happy circles, but the opening is lacking about two inches, so you just stand there, listening politely, staring at backs, until someone might see you and let you in. When you’re so starved for companionship that you latch onto whomever shows interest in spending time with you, and you only succeed in driving them away.

The moments when you know that the buck stops with you. When any and all consequences will fall mercilessly on your head. When you have no earthly idea how you’ll make it. When the vagaries of life chase your steps, and all the situations that seemed deliriously fortunate turn to nightmares in a flash. When no one cares to see your tears. You hide the cries, the pain.

When you see no end to the trial, so you just keep on, too often succumbing to numbness.  When crying is a deep satisfaction, a healing of sorts. When you stand up in the morning, the exhaustion somewhat faded, a ghost about to take its leave, and the sunshine and brisk air cleanse you. You are stronger for this pain. Though none ever know it, you do. And take comfort; you are not the only one. So many of us know the pain of rejection, the lonely journey to happiness, the strength that it takes to love life. You are enough.


Happiness as Rebellion


Maybe we should stop growing up
All it seems to teach us is that happiness is forbidden
How did we forget to delight in the simple beauty of existence?
Our supposed maturity is ignorance
disregarding the small pleasures that make up life
No wonder we require constant diversion to numb the pain
We tell ourselves stories to justify the lack of life
Saying that arbitrary suffering is righteousness
that this self-flagellation will earn some future bliss
so we waste the only opportunity that could truly grant happiness
The present moment

Heartache, My Home

02c7c89ac3bc03dbf51a62c23197ca1dWhat a paradox, this feeling
To reach this state of melancholy
The music, the wine, the inner turmoil
Where my soul feels most at peace
I belong here
sinking into the pain
comforted by the tears
It hurts like hell
That terrible knowledge that I am meant for suffering
Conflicted, for as much as a knife severs my soul from body
I have some resilient, unnamed hope
For what is art, but pain?
And what should come from this suffering, but beauty?
What is existence, but the full experience of every reality?
And mine is the joy and pain that truth fuses into a fire
that warms weary body
burns cold flesh
lights mysterious path
casts shadows on every face
Oh existence
how you cast my mind into a maelstrom of wondering
and wonder
elation and doubt
What is there
but to live?
Take each moment as it comes
experience its fullness
whether flying high or cast into the abyss
And those whose stories intertwine with yours for a passing time
let them be
let myself be
We are but lonely souls in the darka1ea0f1b731dc5c49fe6bc824139979d
and stumbling upon the light of another
we cling
too hard and too long
knowing not that both light and darkness
must reside in our being
Let us learn from each lovely creature
and let go when our stories must part
Be at peace

Broken Towers

6b6040c1d89a564a2e0f5b3a2b950fe2If you are clean, then purity is a curse
I want no part of your masquerade
your merciless games
your cold, calculated inspections
the innocent, the broken, the pleading
your specimens
kept behind the glass
at arm’s reach
mute and helpless
Shielded by gloves and microscopes
you survey them with fear and revulsion
as if you might contract some disease
when you truly bear the sickness

Once I participated
Once I removed their humanity
justified my hatred with neatly packaged sayings and reasons
learned by rote so early in life
little triggers that shut down the brain
when reality’s discomfort threatened the righteous coma
With each dismissal and haughty glance
my callouses grew
until I was unrecognizable
in hindsight
Oh mankind, how strange
Capable of such atrocity over illusion
tearing asunder one another and all earth’s beings
over ideology
petty contrasts of perspective
Every interaction tainted
by fear masqueraded as virtue

You stab the dagger in the ribs of the bleeding
saying it is for their own good
only so that you can feel good about your perverted view
botched surgery
death is no change of heart
and yours grows ever colder and smaller
To extend a hand of mercy would require too much
Everyone knows, after all
that admitting you are wrong is giving in to evil
You dare not risk bursting your rosy bubble
The ugly, messy world outside…
you could never be the same
And mystery, it is terror
no illusion of control could remain
no knowledge of yours can predict the whims of fate

So stuff your ears
bury your head in the sand
call my indictment fallacious and heretical
But the high walls of your tower are old and feeble
their foundation was always a lie
and now feel it crumble
the floor beneath your feet not so steadfast as you were told
your monument stretching toward the sky
but falling so short
not so ineffable
Each stone that breaks free from your stronghold
plummeting to the free earth below
lets in another ray of light
a breath of fresh air
the wind is the truth of the world
what it is, not what you imagined, cowering in your dark corner of comfort

Distort, misinterpret, conceal and ignore
Scream without direction or reason
drown out the helpless cries
Bewail your supposed persecution
all the while your own hand casts stones at the broken
I will have no more of this
Watch me walk away
or don’t
Do you think I care anymore what you think or say?
Gossip and lies, judgements and conjecture
let them fly
(or if you will, have a beer with me
let us be honest and free
share words and ideas
laughter and tears
let us be human together)
I owe no justification or apology
I do not exist for you
not to bolster your comfort
feign respect for the game you play
There is no sitting on the fence
it only put splinters in my soul
Courage is a painful choice
but the relief of release
overpowers any regret that would threaten
High on existence
In the light of the sun at last
I am flying
and these wings will be clipped for none