Unwanted. (enough)

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This is the moment. The phrase that I repeat, to remind myself to be present

To fully experience the moment is a beautiful way of life. Such joy! To know that being alive is enough, and abundantly so. But everything has its counterpart, that which makes it whole. Joy and sorrow are inseparable, sometimes I forget. I cannot truly know one without the other. To embrace each moment is to take whatever it brings.

The moments when you are sure that you are invisible. When everyone is having fun, and you’re alone, wrapped in a blanket, knowing that no one is missing you or saying “I wonder where she is. Sure wish she was here; it’s just not the same without her.”

When your role in someone’s life is replaced by others. When everyone fits perfectly into pairs and groups, no one in need of you. So you lean in the corner and pretend to be busy with important work, or lost in thought about some great matter, or perhaps just tired and wanting to be left alone. Or worse–maybe you try to non-awkwardly join one of those happy circles, but the opening is lacking about two inches, so you just stand there, listening politely, staring at backs, until someone might see you and let you in. When you’re so starved for companionship that you latch onto whomever shows interest in spending time with you, and you only succeed in driving them away.

The moments when you know that the buck stops with you. When any and all consequences will fall mercilessly on your head. When you have no earthly idea how you’ll make it. When the vagaries of life chase your steps, and all the situations that seemed deliriously fortunate turn to nightmares in a flash. When no one cares to see your tears. You hide the cries, the pain.

When you see no end to the trial, so you just keep on, too often succumbing to numbness.  When crying is a deep satisfaction, a healing of sorts. When you stand up in the morning, the exhaustion somewhat faded, a ghost about to take its leave, and the sunshine and brisk air cleanse you. You are stronger for this pain. Though none ever know it, you do. And take comfort; you are not the only one. So many of us know the pain of rejection, the lonely journey to happiness, the strength that it takes to love life. You are enough.

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One thought on “Unwanted. (enough)

  1. Megan, you are not “unwanted.” I know many people who love you very much, as do I. You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. Just thought you ought to know.

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