When Freedom is the Knife

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Sometimes I think that life is just waiting for me to heal from the last blow
so that it can pounce again
rip out the newly repaired heart
knock me down yet again
My stubborn heart knows no way
but to be broken
time and again
until it dare not care
or finally dares to stop caring
For perhaps that is the secret I seek
To relinquish the need for attachment
The false security of knowing, of owning, of belonging
In this mad quest for the unknown
No sooner do I find a haven
some ledge upon which to rest my weary legs
than it gives way, leaving me
heart pounding, blood racing
dangling from failing fingers over a precipice of my own insecurity

For just a moment, I stood without fear on the mountaintop
one with the clear blue sky
as if flying
How foolish to think that such could be reality
Scramble to some semblance of safety
just enough rest to gather the scattered shards of my heart
the bits of sanity taking flight on the icy whirlwinds
piece myself back together
ramshackle soul
The tears that I denied passage fight for freedom
stinging my stormy irises with demands to fall as rain
The clouds of confusion engulf my senses
fog of numbness, blindly stumbling
falling into chasms unseen
But I pick myself up again
as I always do
At this point, the agony is commonplace
Compartmentalize
cut off the emotions like a dead limb
amputation, apathy
Just try to see this as some sort of twisted freedom
The most excruciating way to learn peace
My headstrong heart
It will only let go when the object is wrested violently from its embrace
tearing with it a piece of my flesh
fused to it in unwarranted love
How many more heartbreaks must I endure before I learn
that I have nowhere to turn
nowhere to stay
That my life lies ahead, in the mist of the future
the adventure that my wild soul craves
but still fears to fulfill
No matter how lovely the temptations of belonging
the security and acceptance they offer
they are poison
I would die slowly
atrophy in oblivion
So the harsh reality is truly my savior
When every illusion of insurance is exposed
What is left?
Only what truly matters to me
what I love no matter the cost
and my deepest parts know that this is best

Who am I?
Apart from the labels
the terms that define me in relation to others
people and institutions
The terror of pulling back the garments and masks
seeing my own soul laid bare
So shockingly devoid
The piercing ache is the freedom
to see truly
without the bribes that would put me to sleep again

The shock of rejection is deep indeed
when all delusions of control crumble
When you realize that all you thought was sure can vaporize
the rug can be pulled from beneath your feet
and no hand will reach to help you up
As time finds you older, wiser, stronger
perspective shall dull the ache
assuage regret
and guilt’s ghost will only haunt you for a moment
a brief shudder or cringe
and nothing more
Let me see the purpose of the pain
the strength it bred in me
How rejection taught freedom
I am owed nothing
and I owe nothing
Whatever would walk out of my life
I release
Somehow, suffering is my peace
for what is art but the bleeding of a heart in torment?
Well, here goes nothing
all that I have
The only promise in life
is that nothing is certain
Let me greet each day with the question of an eager heart
“What adventure awaits?”
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