Month: February 2016

Prisoner

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Eyes
Windows to the soul, they say
My soul is trapped behind mine
iron bars for irises
Staring like a wistful, restricted child
at the world outside
See the beauty and joy
All the people, loving life and each other
See the laughter and frivolity
But know none of it
I feel as though there is a noose
that tightens whenever I try to experience anything fully
The music stirs me, but I cannot sink into it
I see wonderful people, but cannot connect truly
The torture of desire that cannot be fulfilled, though by all rights it should
In a cage
of my own making?
I am tempted to believe the voices that whisper so
but cannot tell whether they are friend or foe

These numb lenses
witnessing life like a drama enacted
like some extra in the act
as the narrative climaxes, fade from stage
into darkness
unnoticed
unmissed
unremembered
while the eminent gorge themselves on glory
for the moment
But when the moment is gone, so are they
erased, obliterated from memory
But who am I kidding? So am I
And I never amounted to anything.
Never even pretended.

Though I write a thousand songs
What voice would share them?
What ears would listen?
Though I ache to share my mind’s rich landscapes
cultivate the seeds planted there
share its fruit with other souls
and receive theirs
Here I remain
Alone as ever
voice echoing off these stone walls
reverberating back upon my own head
until madness is all I hear
Where is sanity
but in the silence?
To cease the constant questioning
and be
And perhaps when I can be with myself
the rest of the world can, as well
At peace

Nightstorm

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Cityscape bathed in stardrops
Stillness strewn with sky’s fireflies
Hazy lunar orb the only heavenly light
reaching human gaze, through the celestial curtain
Ominous peace, the puddled earth telling the night’s story
of torrential gusts, rumbling cloud-roars
searing flashes of purple-white heat
as paltry humankind could but peer through the glass
hearts tremorous or thrilled
witness to such power
beauty and violence so heedless of the creatures below

I wish to run
but not to flee
to fling myself headlong into the deluge, and dance
dance with the drops that plummet and leap
with the bolts that rend angry black skies

When earth and sky are spent
breathless and tranquil
When dust-dwellers venture out once more
may our songs harmonize with those of the stars
sins of earth washed clean by the cloudburst
incinerated in sacred cremation of consciousness
sink into a sea of light
electric
the watery air afire with dragon’s breath
but now still, silent
Float on the sea of darkness

 

Snapshots

d938d9988c097744110264e84efd61f9Moments
Snapshots in my head
An endless reel, cycling
until they are etched
burned
into my retinas
into my dreams
until they are commonplace
taken for granted
What is not commonplace, however
is the way they change so radically
Not in content
but in effect

In that moment of its making
that snapshot was perfect
And the next day, it made you beam with joy
As long as you were in that happy place
it brought such warmth to your soul
Perhaps you even started relying on these happy snapshots
to be happy
like a shortcut to a better place
until habit made them constant companions
Little did you think
little did you know
That such habits would bite you harder than they embraced
When life shattered
When loss hit you, took your breath and peace away
Those moments that you loved became your worst tormentors
Unable to block the images seared on your perplexed heart
Perhaps you can move on one day
and those snapshots will be bittersweet
a mere pang, momentary ache
And then you can brush off the hurt
return to the moment
for life is happening
more memories to be made
snapshots, happy or sad
confusing or peaceful
to be made
And who would miss that?

But until that day
we burn

Dying of the Light

cbd98ab58aa0fc4c4f893a7e9497af7eIn this moment
I just want someone to hold me
run their fingers through my hair
hand me tissues when I cry
whisper
“it’s okay, darling
everything will be okay
Don’t be afraid
I’m here”
I want to fall asleep on the couch next to you
imaginary friend
knowing that I’m not alone
that my loss is understood
my bereavement has not gone unnoticed
or unpitied
You don’t need to fix it
just listen
give me a steaming mug of tea
share a flask of whiskey
stare at the stars in a sacred silence
just be
be here
be now
because in this loneliness the shadows creep
invisible fingers clasp my throat, ever tighter
and fear
deadly fear
dread beyond reason
But facing the world alone is the greatest threat
If I were gone
who would notice?
If I dropped from the face of earth
how long until my absence would trouble another’s mind?
Would any tears be shed?
Any memories haunt grieved hearts?
My cries are as though from the grave
for six feet of earth might as well block them from the living
for all the heed they are given
Am I a ghost?
For though I walk the streets each day
no head turns
their vacant eyes stare through my skeleton
Day fades into night bleeds into day
running together
running away
tears running down winter’s pale cheeks
bland perversion of eternity
But some stubborn part of my soul
refuses despair
Some voice from the past says
“You are brave, bright, beautiful
Oh, starchild
You need no one.”
And when the night is lit
with silver stars in velvet skyd45a19ed8c3ed8346a5a1a35d848b935
and countless lights in the street side trees like fireflies
I can breathe
Breathe the winter air
cold, still, fair
as a peaceful death
surging into my lungs
expelled in clouds
Vapor a ghost fleeing into oblivion
and with it melt my fears
Be still