Dying of the Light

cbd98ab58aa0fc4c4f893a7e9497af7eIn this moment
I just want someone to hold me
run their fingers through my hair
hand me tissues when I cry
whisper
“it’s okay, darling
everything will be okay
Don’t be afraid
I’m here”
I want to fall asleep on the couch next to you
imaginary friend
knowing that I’m not alone
that my loss is understood
my bereavement has not gone unnoticed
or unpitied
You don’t need to fix it
just listen
give me a steaming mug of tea
share a flask of whiskey
stare at the stars in a sacred silence
just be
be here
be now
because in this loneliness the shadows creep
invisible fingers clasp my throat, ever tighter
and fear
deadly fear
dread beyond reason
But facing the world alone is the greatest threat
If I were gone
who would notice?
If I dropped from the face of earth
how long until my absence would trouble another’s mind?
Would any tears be shed?
Any memories haunt grieved hearts?
My cries are as though from the grave
for six feet of earth might as well block them from the living
for all the heed they are given
Am I a ghost?
For though I walk the streets each day
no head turns
their vacant eyes stare through my skeleton
Day fades into night bleeds into day
running together
running away
tears running down winter’s pale cheeks
bland perversion of eternity
But some stubborn part of my soul
refuses despair
Some voice from the past says
“You are brave, bright, beautiful
Oh, starchild
You need no one.”
And when the night is lit
with silver stars in velvet skyd45a19ed8c3ed8346a5a1a35d848b935
and countless lights in the street side trees like fireflies
I can breathe
Breathe the winter air
cold, still, fair
as a peaceful death
surging into my lungs
expelled in clouds
Vapor a ghost fleeing into oblivion
and with it melt my fears
Be still

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