The Untamable Ones

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We are the Eponines and Eowyns of the world
The closet romantics
the strong ones
who cannot live in a box
We are the cold untouchables
who gaze through icy windows and long for a hand to hold
We must fight
and fight alone
We are confident
and that is too often seen as dismissal
We walk abandoned streets on rainy nights
forsaken hill lands gray windy days
In solitude is our peace
a peace that is our companion even on the raging battlefield
a peace that runs in tears on pale cheeks
as a quiet mountain spring hidden from the world’s view

We are the wanderesses who know that love is not found in security
who refuse to sacrifice all that we are for some fantasy
We would rather walk these paths honestly
whether or not another’s feet shall tread beside
than forsake the path entirely to be eclipsed in the footprints of another
We ask not for your protection
nor validation
We do not need you to complete us
neither shall we complete you
But we promise something greater
To stay because we choose
not because we are bound
To love fully
from a heart whole in itself

But here we stand
forever doomed
to watch from afar as others are chosen
As those for whom we would have given the world
who we thought were courageous
take the safe route
forsake their passion and vigor
for the predictable decline of slow death
the numbing comfort of acquiescence
Yet somehow we love them still
Collecting heartscars like battle-wounds
each pang a story that no ears shall hear
a world of joy and pain that we must relive daily

We care too much
Raging idealists
Willing to die for what we love
We are too much
Raging wildfires
Scaring away those who cannot bear the heat
Perhaps it is for the best
but beneath our tough exterior
a wounded heart bleeds afresh with rejection
Perhaps if we were broken and helpless
we could find some semblance of love
enough to dull the ache of the comatose role they demand of us

But no
We are whole
Enough
Strong
We are alive
and will not choose the ease of death

We are she whom you cannot ignore
She who shatters the fragile fantasy
in which you have barricaded yourself
She who belongs to no one

We are the untamable.


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Prisoner

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Eyes
Windows to the soul, they say
My soul is trapped behind mine
iron bars for irises
Staring like a wistful, restricted child
at the world outside
See the beauty and joy
All the people, loving life and each other
See the laughter and frivolity
But know none of it
I feel as though there is a noose
that tightens whenever I try to experience anything fully
The music stirs me, but I cannot sink into it
I see wonderful people, but cannot connect truly
The torture of desire that cannot be fulfilled, though by all rights it should
In a cage
of my own making?
I am tempted to believe the voices that whisper so
but cannot tell whether they are friend or foe

These numb lenses
witnessing life like a drama enacted
like some extra in the act
as the narrative climaxes, fade from stage
into darkness
unnoticed
unmissed
unremembered
while the eminent gorge themselves on glory
for the moment
But when the moment is gone, so are they
erased, obliterated from memory
But who am I kidding? So am I
And I never amounted to anything.
Never even pretended.

Though I write a thousand songs
What voice would share them?
What ears would listen?
Though I ache to share my mind’s rich landscapes
cultivate the seeds planted there
share its fruit with other souls
and receive theirs
Here I remain
Alone as ever
voice echoing off these stone walls
reverberating back upon my own head
until madness is all I hear
Where is sanity
but in the silence?
To cease the constant questioning
and be
And perhaps when I can be with myself
the rest of the world can, as well
At peace

Nightstorm

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Cityscape bathed in stardrops
Stillness strewn with sky’s fireflies
Hazy lunar orb the only heavenly light
reaching human gaze, through the celestial curtain
Ominous peace, the puddled earth telling the night’s story
of torrential gusts, rumbling cloud-roars
searing flashes of purple-white heat
as paltry humankind could but peer through the glass
hearts tremorous or thrilled
witness to such power
beauty and violence so heedless of the creatures below

I wish to run
but not to flee
to fling myself headlong into the deluge, and dance
dance with the drops that plummet and leap
with the bolts that rend angry black skies

When earth and sky are spent
breathless and tranquil
When dust-dwellers venture out once more
may our songs harmonize with those of the stars
sins of earth washed clean by the cloudburst
incinerated in sacred cremation of consciousness
sink into a sea of light
electric
the watery air afire with dragon’s breath
but now still, silent
Float on the sea of darkness

 

Snapshots

d938d9988c097744110264e84efd61f9Moments
Snapshots in my head
An endless reel, cycling
until they are etched
burned
into my retinas
into my dreams
until they are commonplace
taken for granted
What is not commonplace, however
is the way they change so radically
Not in content
but in effect

In that moment of its making
that snapshot was perfect
And the next day, it made you beam with joy
As long as you were in that happy place
it brought such warmth to your soul
Perhaps you even started relying on these happy snapshots
to be happy
like a shortcut to a better place
until habit made them constant companions
Little did you think
little did you know
That such habits would bite you harder than they embraced
When life shattered
When loss hit you, took your breath and peace away
Those moments that you loved became your worst tormentors
Unable to block the images seared on your perplexed heart
Perhaps you can move on one day
and those snapshots will be bittersweet
a mere pang, momentary ache
And then you can brush off the hurt
return to the moment
for life is happening
more memories to be made
snapshots, happy or sad
confusing or peaceful
to be made
And who would miss that?

But until that day
we burn

Dying of the Light

cbd98ab58aa0fc4c4f893a7e9497af7eIn this moment
I just want someone to hold me
run their fingers through my hair
hand me tissues when I cry
whisper
“it’s okay, darling
everything will be okay
Don’t be afraid
I’m here”
I want to fall asleep on the couch next to you
imaginary friend
knowing that I’m not alone
that my loss is understood
my bereavement has not gone unnoticed
or unpitied
You don’t need to fix it
just listen
give me a steaming mug of tea
share a flask of whiskey
stare at the stars in a sacred silence
just be
be here
be now
because in this loneliness the shadows creep
invisible fingers clasp my throat, ever tighter
and fear
deadly fear
dread beyond reason
But facing the world alone is the greatest threat
If I were gone
who would notice?
If I dropped from the face of earth
how long until my absence would trouble another’s mind?
Would any tears be shed?
Any memories haunt grieved hearts?
My cries are as though from the grave
for six feet of earth might as well block them from the living
for all the heed they are given
Am I a ghost?
For though I walk the streets each day
no head turns
their vacant eyes stare through my skeleton
Day fades into night bleeds into day
running together
running away
tears running down winter’s pale cheeks
bland perversion of eternity
But some stubborn part of my soul
refuses despair
Some voice from the past says
“You are brave, bright, beautiful
Oh, starchild
You need no one.”
And when the night is lit
with silver stars in velvet skyd45a19ed8c3ed8346a5a1a35d848b935
and countless lights in the street side trees like fireflies
I can breathe
Breathe the winter air
cold, still, fair
as a peaceful death
surging into my lungs
expelled in clouds
Vapor a ghost fleeing into oblivion
and with it melt my fears
Be still

When Freedom is the Knife

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Sometimes I think that life is just waiting for me to heal from the last blow
so that it can pounce again
rip out the newly repaired heart
knock me down yet again
My stubborn heart knows no way
but to be broken
time and again
until it dare not care
or finally dares to stop caring
For perhaps that is the secret I seek
To relinquish the need for attachment
The false security of knowing, of owning, of belonging
In this mad quest for the unknown
No sooner do I find a haven
some ledge upon which to rest my weary legs
than it gives way, leaving me
heart pounding, blood racing
dangling from failing fingers over a precipice of my own insecurity

For just a moment, I stood without fear on the mountaintop
one with the clear blue sky
as if flying
How foolish to think that such could be reality
Scramble to some semblance of safety
just enough rest to gather the scattered shards of my heart
the bits of sanity taking flight on the icy whirlwinds
piece myself back together
ramshackle soul
The tears that I denied passage fight for freedom
stinging my stormy irises with demands to fall as rain
The clouds of confusion engulf my senses
fog of numbness, blindly stumbling
falling into chasms unseen
But I pick myself up again
as I always do
At this point, the agony is commonplace
Compartmentalize
cut off the emotions like a dead limb
amputation, apathy
Just try to see this as some sort of twisted freedom
The most excruciating way to learn peace
My headstrong heart
It will only let go when the object is wrested violently from its embrace
tearing with it a piece of my flesh
fused to it in unwarranted love
How many more heartbreaks must I endure before I learn
that I have nowhere to turn
nowhere to stay
That my life lies ahead, in the mist of the future
the adventure that my wild soul craves
but still fears to fulfill
No matter how lovely the temptations of belonging
the security and acceptance they offer
they are poison
I would die slowly
atrophy in oblivion
So the harsh reality is truly my savior
When every illusion of insurance is exposed
What is left?
Only what truly matters to me
what I love no matter the cost
and my deepest parts know that this is best

Who am I?
Apart from the labels
the terms that define me in relation to others
people and institutions
The terror of pulling back the garments and masks
seeing my own soul laid bare
So shockingly devoid
The piercing ache is the freedom
to see truly
without the bribes that would put me to sleep again

The shock of rejection is deep indeed
when all delusions of control crumble
When you realize that all you thought was sure can vaporize
the rug can be pulled from beneath your feet
and no hand will reach to help you up
As time finds you older, wiser, stronger
perspective shall dull the ache
assuage regret
and guilt’s ghost will only haunt you for a moment
a brief shudder or cringe
and nothing more
Let me see the purpose of the pain
the strength it bred in me
How rejection taught freedom
I am owed nothing
and I owe nothing
Whatever would walk out of my life
I release
Somehow, suffering is my peace
for what is art but the bleeding of a heart in torment?
Well, here goes nothing
all that I have
The only promise in life
is that nothing is certain
Let me greet each day with the question of an eager heart
“What adventure awaits?”
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Within

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There is something within you
that no amount of striving will summon forth
every ounce of your disciplined strength
falls short
even tighter seals the door to the universe you do not see within
A force that indwells and surrounds you
no less a part of you than you of it
and if you just accept your continuity with all
what wondrous beauty might you unleash
but dear, I shed a tear
nay, many
when I see your mistaken resolve
so determined to be separate
a self-forged cage of loneliness
you wonder why none speak your name
deaf to the pleas that you release the mask
blocking all voices and faces
How long will you live in terror of love?